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Greetings from the Philippines,

Austri G. Basinillo Male 68

God Bless you.

Thank you.

Increased knowledge about the four temperaments should make a difference in your marriage and family life. But how do you make the transition from “in your head” to “on the ground”? When we put the question to Art and Laraine Bennett, they suggested the following areas for practical application, along with guidelines for approaching them as a couple or on your own. (We suggest choosing quality over quantity and exploring no more than two or three questions at once.)
Set aside some quiet time, brew up a pot of tea or coffee, and consider how to build up your marriage by using the temperament God gave you!

For couples: Since some of these topics could tempt one to be defensive or to feel attacked, begin with prayer. Take the attitude that temperaments tell us something important about each other, and try to look at all aspects respectfully and with empathy. Keep your comments constructive and encouraging. Focus on positive changes for the future, and little (if at all) on past failings. If looking in the rear-view mirror is irresistible, try to restrict it to your own behavior, not your spouse’s!

For individuals: Approach this exercise in the spirit described above. If your spouse prefers not to join you, you can still use it as an opportunity to grow in self-knowledge. In fact, everyone might benefit from reflecting alone on these questions prior to discussion.

1. Respect and affection—the foundation of a happy marriage—are fostered when each spouse knows and feels understood and appreciated by the other. Keeping both your primary temperaments in mind, identify issues that tend to “push buttons” that undermine these critical elements in your relationship. How might you share this information with your spouse in a gentle, yet informative way? What can you do to help your spouse feel greater respect and affection?

2. Our temperaments indicate our key strengths. For example, cholerics are goal-oriented and highly determined, melancholics have nobility of purpose and attention to detail, phlegmatics are harmonious peace-makers, and sanguines are joyful and generous. What strengths does your spouse bring to your marriage and family? Do you express gratitude for these strengths often and overtly?

3. Understanding our temperament helps us identify the rough edges in our personality. Cholerics can be bossy and driven; melancholics can be critical; phlegmatics can be withdrawn; sanguines can be flighty. Do you know your rough edges? What personal changes can you make that would improve yourself and your marriage?

4. Awareness of our rough edges helps us to target the virtues we really need to grow in. Most cholerics would do well to seek compassion and meekness; melancholics, supernatural hope and trust in God; phlegmatics, holy audacity in seeking Christ and his kingdom; sanguines, perseverance and indifference to the world’s approval. Which virtues would you particularly like to attain? How do you think God is calling you to grow in them?

5. Each temperament type has key emotional needs which, if denied, can cause emotional distance in a marriage. Cholerics require genuine areas of control and loyalty; melancholics require quiet, space and order; phlegmatics thrive on abundant words of praise and affection; sanguines need fun and personal attention. Are you aware of your spouse’s emotional needs? Are you honoring them? What practical steps you can take?

6. Because of the effects of original sin, no marriage is completely free of conflict or disagreement (see Catechism, 1606-1608). The question is how we handle these situations when they occur. In the happiest marriages, partners are able to express problems and concern with respect, forgiveness, and affection. Does this describe your own response to marital conflict? With your temperament types in mind, consider how you might show greater respect and affection when you don’t agree or see things the same way.

7. Are some temperaments better suited to sanctity? At first glance, you might think so, but in reality no single temperament has the advantage. Everyone is called to holiness, and each temperament has its strengths and struggles in pursuing a life of prayer. The energetic choleric may find it challenging to spend time in silence and meditation every day. The melancholic may be drawn to prayer and acts of piety but may struggle with simple acts of charity and gratitude. The phlegmatic is often drawn to classic devotions, such as the rosary, but may need to boost his active service to the church. The sanguine may feel a natural attraction to prayer groups and to generously serving the church but may need to cultivate a deeper interior life. What helps to spiritual growth resonate with your temperament? With your spouse’s? How can you can help each other to grow spiritually? Where is the Lord inviting you to deeper communion with him?

I’m a talker, raised in a large, loud Italian family where arguing about politics and religion was something of an art form. When we fought about personal matters, we were spirited, aggressive, and often hurtful. My husband, Dave, is calm and easygoing, from a quiet family of soft-spoken Swedes who never argued openly or disagreed aloud and hid their resentments for years.
I can’t even remember what our first argument as newlyweds was about, but Dave’s response was unforgettable: He put on his coat and walked out the door without saying a word. It was clear to me that my husband couldn’t face conflict and needed to learn how to be honest with his feelings. As for my own problems, though, it took the gentle and sure intervention of the Holy Spirit to make me aware of my learned response to attack and defend myself in a conflict. Fortunately, both Dave and I realized early on that we would have no unity in our marriage unless we called on the Lord as the third partner in our union. Two people of such different temperaments and backgrounds could not learn to love unless the source of all love was at the center of our teamwork.

Many prayers and some months later, we began to experience the deep satisfaction that came from helping each other to feel loved. It was a huge effort to hold my tongue and tame my in-your-face anger—but if it meant that Dave felt loved, it was worth it. Meanwhile, Dave fought his innate tendency to “flee the danger” of confrontation. It took everything in him to stay and fight with a teary-eyed, articulate wife. But he stood his ground because he loved me. And as I watched him work so hard to express his anger, for both our sakes, I wanted to love him back. I wanted to change my patterns of striking out, my ploys of self-defense. I wanted to give him time to catch his breath, and then to express myself in a helpful way.

Twenty-six years into our marriage, we still argue and we don’t always do it right. We have learned, though, that when we put love first, Love Himself will change us, mold us, and guide us to a resolution.

A Marriage for Both of Us

We were out for a run, my wife and I, and stopped to say hi to a neighbor. In our short, lighthearted conversation, he made this observation: “Marriage is a relationship where, after ten years, two people are living the way one of them wants.” Though he said it with a chuckle, I found the remark disturbing.

“That’s not how you experience our marriage, is it?” I asked Sophie as we jogged away.

“Don’t be silly,” she replied.

But it kept nagging at me. In our eight years of marriage, Sophie and I had reached real agreement on major decisions. We took ample time to discuss and pray over where to live, what parish to join, whether to begin home-schooling our kids. On day-to-day matters, though, we tended to follow my habits and plans. Sophie generally went along—so cheerfully that I assumed she shared my enthusiasm.

At times I had felt uneasy. Had she really wanted a car with manual transmission? A German Shepherd? Did she enjoy the videos I rented, or did it mean something when she laughingly inquired whether I had brought home “something depressing again”? And just how enthused was she about the canoe camping trip I was planning for the two of us? Sure, we had talked about it. But looking back on my passionate pitch about “the joy of the outdoors,” I wondered whether Sophie had had her say.

“What about this canoe trip?” I finally asked her. “Be honest. Is it how you want to spend our vacation?” The conversation that followed was enlightening. When pressed, Sophie admitted that it wouldn’t have been her first choice—or even her third or fourth. “But I know I’ll enjoy it, because you’ll have such a great time.”

We spent a week in Chicago instead. Took in a show, visited the art museum, went to daily Mass, shopped, ate ribs and sushi—had a great time. And we talked about how to build a more united lifestyle.

Once I started looking for them, Sophie had more preferences than I thought. Often, though, they were buried under her desire to cooperate or keep the peace. Sometimes, they didn’t emerge until later—too late to make a difference. “I’m a slow reactor,” she explained.

I learned to ask Sophie questions about her preferences and to press for more opinions. I learned to listen, to revisit topics, and to defer to her wishes more often. For her part, Sophie began identifying and expressing her desires and taking more initiative.

Thanks to a neighbor’s unsettling remark, our marriage is now a relationship where, after ten years, two people are hopefully living the way both of them want.

Savers and Discarders

Not till I was taking down our first Christmas tree did I become keenly aware of an important difference between my new husband and me. Phil watched as I tenderly wrapped the special ornaments from family and friends, then with equal care, packed the cheap Wal-Mart ones back into their original packages.

“Why don’t you just throw all the decorations away, Honey?” he asked.

“Throw them away?” I laughed. “These are Christmas ornaments, Phil.” Then I realized he was serious.

The man I married is practical, neat, logical—one of those people who recommends discarding anything you haven’t used for a month. Me, I’m a hunter-gatherer from a long line of hunter-gatherers. I’ve always saved everything. High school term papers, prom pictures, pom-poms from college football games, petals from the first rose Phil gave me—these were my treasures, but to Phil, they were “just junk.” Over the years, we have had little arguments and big ones over this issue.

Twelve years later, when we moved into a larger house, we filled a large moving van with furniture, household goods—and box after box of my precious mementos. Watching the movers crate and load them, I realized that Phil had done more than his share of compromising about my huge collection.

Spurred to reexamine my approach, I asked the Lord to help me see this issue with his eyes. I finally understood how hard it was for my organized and tidy husband to live with “clutter.” Despite his moans and groans, he had never insisted on a major purge. “I know your things mean a lot to you,” he had told me on more than one occasion. Looking at that stuffed moving van, I realized how I had taken his patient forbearance for granted. Now I saw that loving Phil in the present was more important than saving things from the past.

My “saving” instincts are so deeply rooted that I am still working on this issue. But the Lord is bringing a new perspective: Giving things can be a show of love. Discarding things can be an even greater one.

*All three authors have asked to remain anonymous.

The melancholic tends to value the ideal—truth, beauty, justice, and all that is noble. People of this temperament are known for their deep introspection, the depth and vehemence of their sentiments, and their loftiness of purpose. They can be perfectionists. It is said that melancholics so long for heaven that everything on earth falls short! They are cautious, somewhat pessimistic, detail-oriented, and serious. They are choosy about friends and exacting on the job. Melancholics are persevering, thoughtful, unwaveringly faithful, and have long memories. They are drawn to the spiritual life and to noble causes; counselors, parish priests, humanitarians, and artists are often melancholics.
It is suggested that St. John the Evangelist was a melancholic. The beloved disciple was the only apostle who remained at the crucifixion, and the one to whom Jesus entrusted his mother. Of all the gospels, his is the most poetic and deeply mystical.

The sanguine is the classic “people person.” Who doesn’t love this fun-loving, affectionate life of the party? Sanguines are typically communicative, generous, energized by large groups, and on the lookout for new adventures and friends. They have quick, intense, but short-lived reactions and live in the present moment. As a result, they are interested, optimistic, and enthusiastic—but forgetful and sometimes “all talk and no follow-through.” They tend to be the ones who generously volunteer for many things and wind up over-committed.
St. Peter was called by Jesus to be the unshakeable rock of the church (Matthew 16:18), yet he was a lovable but inconstant sanguine. When Christ appears walking on the water, Peter impulsively joins him—until he begins to sink (see Matthew 14:28-31). At the Last Supper, he fervently pronounces, “Lord, I am prepared to go with you to prison and death.” A few hours later, he denies even knowing Jesus (Luke 22:33, 56-60)!